Giving Grace.

I'm ignoring the fact that:

I hate the current look of my blog.

I have unfinished posts that I have yet to get up, including one for my SEPTEMBER birthday girls.

I don't care. Right now, I'm writing about what I want to write about right now.

Anyway...

Marriage is teaching me lots about life- stuff I feel like I should have been able to figure out without getting married, but maybe that's why God chose for us to get hitched so young.

Before I got married, before I was engaged, before I knew brian... I KNEW I would one day be Super Wife. Super Wife is perfect. Perfect house (perfect decorating, perfect laundry, perfect bathrooms, perfect floor), perfect meals, perfect body, perfect heart.

SHOCKER. I'm not Super Wife. Nor will I ever be.

The sweet Lord was kind enough to show me this reality in a gentle way. I began a new job about a month ago. It has been fun and interesting and challenging and utterly draining in every way. When I get home, I am absolutely exhausted. I want to curl up on the couch with b and do nothing unfun... like taking care of the house, for example. It has just been tough for me to adjust to this schedule of long, hard hours. The b man has been a champ about this- never mentioning the fact that our floors haven't been cleaned in 2 weeks. So the other day I sent him an email while he was at work... just thanking him for being patient with me and promising that I would soon figure out my new schedule and how to fit everything in and telling him that I desire deeply to serve him. I really didn't think much of it- in fact, it was a little selfish of me... I was sort of trying to prove to myself that I would, in fact, return to being Super Wife as soon as I figured out my schedule. B replied with the sweetest words... thanking me and telling me how impressed he is with me and all the ways I serve him. He said all the things I thought husbands said to Super Wife.

Being married isn't about being Super Wife. It's about figuring it out together, and loving each other through that. It's about giving grace.

It's so much like our walk with our Savior.

Oh how I send those subconscious messages to my Jesus... messages full of "sorry but I'll get better soon" and "just wait- I'll prove myself" and "you're going to be so impressed with me." I know better.

I know the sweet grace He rains down on me.

I know He bids me to come and rest.

And to surrender.

And to grasp that he doesn't tolerate me, but he adores me.

And to see that His power is made perfect in my weakness.

I'm in the most wonderful Bible Study this semester (you will hear more about those ladies in later posts) and we are studying Ephesians- very slowly, word by word, verse by verse. It is taking us forever to get through our book and I love it. I love Paul, first of all. And really studying his words and having to be diligent about the details even when I feel lazy is enriching my soul. Paul gets the Gospel. Every chapter in Ephesians is the Gospel. Paul is so incredibly humble, and he pleads with Christians to begin to see their helplessness... so that they may begin to see God's love.

Praise God for Paul's words and Brian's love... both of which are pointing me to the love of Christ... the love that put my Jesus on a cross.

"so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith-- that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."

Amen.

yes, i had 16 bridesmaids

i slept in the bed with kizzy the last night before i got married.... just like i did the last night of high school, the night my mother died, and a million others. it was only right and completely necessary. leah handed me her toast the morning of the wedding... she wrote it out instead of speaking at the rehearsal dinner, so i was able to read her sweet words as i brushed my teeth that morning, so i was able to hold her words near and reread them as i needed them. mg blew my hair dry. she's a pro at drying hair, and even though it was my wedding day, my WEDDING DAY, we just chatted and she blew my hair dry and i was perfectly relaxed with pretty hair. nat went with me to get my make-up done, and later changed my hair from veil to no veil before the reception... since junior year, i have scurried to nat's room in a towel wrap so she could do my make-up. even on my wedding day, i don't know that i could have let anyone touch my face if nat wasn't there. she made me feel beautiful, and she teared up the whole time.weesie gave me marriage tips as we sat in the dressing room... tips that i so very much cherished and so very much needed... little pieces of wisdom i still hold onto dearly. darb was the first to tell me i was glowing when i put on my wedding dress... the look on her face made me believe it, and i will always always always remember that moment and feeling. i looked atriri and could see b's smile, and how i loved and needed to see his smile all day... because she was there smiling, i did. meresy followed me upstairs to the sanctuary for my bridal pictures and carried my train and my lipgloss. she kept me from panic and kept me from ever having to be alone on my wedding day. my mom wasn't standing there watching my bridal portraits and reapplying my lip gloss, but my meresy was. elizabeth reminded me all day of where brian and i have been. liz was there from the very beginning and has been my saving grace when i was freaking out over our relationship. and elizabeth has the smiling eyes. her eyes grin and dance with joy and they danced all throughout my wedding day. chelsea was the other face besides brian's i could see when i turned toward him during the ceremony. her big smile and sweet tears made me smile bigger and cry harder. bets was my big sister on my wedding day without our mom there, and she was such a champ in the ways i needed her to be. kritter asked me all day, "how are ya? how ya feeling rach? i mean, i can so tell you're great." if i needed to get nervous for a minute, or sad about my mom, she was giving me an opportunity. what she was really saying was, "i think you're happy and calm, you look happy and calm. but if you're not, that's okay and i'm here."anna is the queen of service, and will absolutely always do what she says she will do. i asked her to do a million tiny things all day, i.e. take my flipflops and lip gloss upstairs, and she did every single one of them. anna is also the queen of event feedback. by the time we got to the reception, she had gotten feedback from multiple people on how pretty they thought the ceremony was and was so quick to report to me. i don't care what anyone says, compliments like that make a bride feel even happier than she already does. mary lou reminded me that i'm not the only bride without my mom on my wedding day. one day she will be a gorgeous bride, and her mom won't physically be there... but she also reminded me that my mom was there.she really was. everyone told me that, but perhaps no one believed my mom was there like mary lou did, and mary lou made me believe it. and mary lou reminded me to be sassy- mary lou is the best kind of sassy. leen brought me back down to earth. that's just who she is. she's real, and she kept me real. and she had a blast at my reception... she danced the night away and everyone on the dance floor had a little more fun because she was there. ames grabbed me a million times throughout the day and night and said, "this is all for you! this is YOUR wedding day! it's yours rach!" she reminded me to soak up every moment, to remember that the day was ours- mine and brian's. the one we will relate every detail of to our daughter.

i know there were 16, but it took all 16 to get me down the aisle. they are where i'm from, where i am, where i'm going. they are the reason i am who i am, the reason i am the girl brian fell in love with.

Of Grace.

Camp Desoto is a part of my very soul. I have huge respect and appreciation for Camp; I have huge respect and appreciation for Phil and Marsha, the directors. They are deeply faithful people, deeply real people, deeply humble people. My first summer on staff, I kind of thought they were crazy people because of what they were asking of us. I thought maybe they had some misconception of me. Like maybe they didn't see my sin or weren't aware of college kids these days- our selfishness, immaturity, laziness, and occasional lack of moral soundness due to newfound freedom (I might just be talking about myself, but perhaps a few of you can relate).

But they weren't crazy, and they didn't have any misconceptions. They were fully aware of every person's inability to do what we were called to do. They lead staff every year in full assurance that the Holy Spirit will be mighty in our weakness, perfect in our imperfection, full in our emptiness. Phil and Marsha expected so much out of me because they saw Jesus in me. And because they saw Jesus in me, I rose to the occasion. This was the epiphany I had after my first summer... I am my best self at Camp because Phil and Marsha see the best in me: Jesus.

Dead to self, alive in Christ.... We've all heard it, they live it. They live it not only as individuals, but also in the way they relate to and lead others.

This past summer, I had another epiphany. My first two years on staff, I was a cabin counselor. It was the most draining thing I've ever done in the best sort of way. Like I said, I thought Phil and Marsha were crazy because of all they asked of us. But one thing about it was easy- I knew always what I was supposed to be doing. My job was to show up. In my cabin, in my activities, I just had to show up physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Showing up meant being fully present and loving well. Showing up, especially when I was void of all energy, could be so difficult that it made me cry, but as long as I was fully showing up so that Christ could love my campers through me, I was doing all I needed to do. The past 2 summers I've had different positions in Camp. These positions have been far busier, but far less draining. This past summer, for example, I assisted the program director. I had a blast doing tons of odd jobs and having the opportunity to make other people's lives easier. I felt like a little fairy who ran around behind the scenes and did what was asked of me and any little extra things I saw a need for.

But in this freedom to serve wherever I was needed, I often felt like I dropped the ball. I had this insecurity that I was disappointing the directors and assistant directors who I respected so much. I longed for the feeling I had as a cabin counselor- totally drained, but totally confident I was doing my job.

For example, I forgot to turn on the strobe light for the Intermediate Lip Sync Extravaganza. The Sunday after I bombed with the strobe light, I brought the wrong roll of butcher paper to the picnic on the play field. I realize this is not a big deal- unlike the strobe light- but it did mean that someone else had to go back and get the right roll. I expressed my frustration to Emily, one of the assistant directors, "I feel like I just keep dropping the ball over and over. I feel like everyone is thinking that when they ask me to do something, they have to follow behind me and pick up the pieces that I forgot or did wrong." "Rachel," Emily responded, "this is a community of grace! Be free of that fear. We live in a community of grace."

This was the moment of epiphany. Camp talks a lot about community. Marsha is great at articulating the community those at Camp are called into each summer. A big part of that community is giving and receiving and living into grace. And that is a huge reason why the fellowship and growth within the Camp community is so wonderful.

This is what too many of our communities are missing. We're far too often not of grace, but of waiting for one another to fail. We are critical and quick to patronize.

I am longing to see Jesus in those around me, to love as Phil and Marsha do. And I am longing to be of grace. I want to see more of my own sin and struggle and the love Jesus rains down on me despite it, so that I will be slower to see the sin and struggle in others' lives, so that I will be slower to frustration, judgement, gossip, whatever the temptation would be if I were not giving grace. I want to love my people where they are. There is so much freedom in being part of a community of people who expect the best from you but are there with open arms when the worst comes out.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound.

Rachel

As Sweet As Tupelo Honey.

The truth is, I've secretly always wanted to title my blog this, but felt like I was maybe a little too obsessed with the little slice of heaven that I grew up in. The more places I go and people I meet, the more gratitude I have for Tupelo and the way I grew up. If you know me, you know this about me. I'm sure it's fairly annoying. But I loved it and I love it and I'll always love it. Tupelo wasn't too small and wasn't too big. Everyone went to the public high school (I'll add here that every student in Tupelo Public School District from 6th-12th grade got his or her very own Macbook this year) and it was the greatest high school in the world.

And the community. The people who live in Tupelo, Mississippi love one another fiercely. They crowd your house in the midst of tragedy, when you might not even want to see a crowd, and they pick you up and carry you through your grief... feeding you dinner the whole way. They are nosy, they talk about each other, they don't always get along, but they love each other hard and they show up when it counts and they hold you... literally and figuratively.

Tupelo, with its 5A football and small town charm, has a piece of my heart. I don't know if I'll ever live there again, or even if I want to, but it was the greatest. Now that I've moved far, far away to Tigerland, I feel like I am justified in titling my blog after the place and people who have defined so much of me.

And God is blessing me so much that my days are as sweet as Tupelo Honey.

Rachel

She's Back.

As we danced at my wedding, with tears in his eyes, Daddy said it like this,

"Have the best life. Live hard. Love hard. Play hard. Let it all out. Hold nothing back."

Mom always said it like this,

"Romp and stomp babe."

These are the words of wisdom we are living by in our early days of marriage. Brian and I are not only newlyweds, but also early-twenty-somethings trying to figure out what we want to be when we grow up. Some of my friends know what path or what path-ish they want to take, and are in grad school or have obtained a job that sets them off on that path. Some of my friends are in my predicament and have moved to fun cities with friends and snagged the first available job to buy some time until they figure out what their dreams are. It's such a frustrating, but exciting stage to be in. We have graduated college and the world is at our fingertips. We are anxious to figure out what our dreams are so we can pursue them, no holds barred.

This is the stage I am in, but I am in it with my new husband. We sit on our couch at night with cookie dough and our latest Netflix acquisition and talk about all the possibilities of what we could do and where we could go. I wonder aloud if my law school itch will ever leave me while B analyzes what 3 years of law school and me not working would mean but also telling me he would love to move if I got a great scholarship somewhere fun. I tell B he should coach high school football and eventually be an offensive coordinator at an SEC school and he tells me it is nearly impossible to coach at the collegiate level without playing college ball first while secretly Googling "football graduate assistantship" on his laptop. The eternal pessimist meets the eternal optimist, and it is a beautiful thing... "Rachel, barely anyone has coached football at the college level who didn't play football in college." "B, are you putting God in a box? I think so." This stage in our lives is richer because we are married and our marriage is richer because we are going through this stage together.

Aside from trying to figure out what our dreams are, we are working, cooking, learning to share EVERYTHING, having friends over, going on late night walks, going to bed early, staying up late, just living our lives. Together. And loving it. There is so much goodness in living with someone you've made a covenant with... living into the promises I have made to him and being humbled by him living into the promises he has made to me. It's not always easy, but it's always good.

This was the most bloggable summer of my life, but all those things that were so blog-worthy stole every moment of my time so that I have blogged little to none since May. But I'm back, and I will update you on the Summer behind us in bits and pieces as I go. Who needs chronology?

For now, just know...

I had the wedding of my dreams.

I married my very best friend.

We are having the best life... we are living hard, loving hard, playing hard. We are letting it all out and holding nothing back.

Rachel

G.G.

A few weeks ago, G.G. joyfully went to heaven.

There aren't many words to describe G.G., which is one reason it has taken me so long to get this post up.

G.G. lived every moment of every day by the truth she held close to her heart. She poured over scripture and, as her grandson pointed out at her funeral, could recite most of the Bible. The day she died, when she was sitting in the hospital, they told her Grandaddy was headed back to the hospital from their house. She promptly asked, "Where is my lipstick?" G.G. dwelled on truth; She didn't worry about what she didn't know to be true. She didn't know when she was going to die, but she knew her husband was coming in the room soon and she knew she loved looking pretty for her husband.

Every time I've gone through something difficult in my life, and a hundred times in between, I've received a letter from G.G. Her letters were full of encouragement, insight, wisdom... and they always included a Bible verse. She sent them to everyone she loved. As I've thought about where I want our desk in our house, my main goal has been to make all of my stationary and stamps readily available so I can correspond like G.G. There is nothing in the world that makes me feel more thought about than a hand-written letter. G.G. loved people and the Lord in the best sort of way. When she was with you, she "loved your neck" and when she wasn't with you, she was thinking about you and praying for you and writing you a letter to let you know. And there was nothing you could do to make her love you any less.

I cannot speak of G.G. without talking about her love of people and the Lord and His Word, and I cannot speak of G.G. without talking about her killer style. If I could have half of G.G.'s taste in clothes, then I would always be the most stylish girl in the room. She was always the most stylish girl in the room- at 23, at 83.

She was a woman of truth.

She was a woman of love.

She was a woman of grace.

She was a women of style.

She was a woman of friends.

She was a woman of family....

G.G. stands for Grandmother Gravlee... And G.G. was Tupelo's grandmother, but she also had 5 of her own, and how she poured herself into them! Every Tuesday night, all the grandchildren spent the night at the Gravlee's. You can't help but look at the Gravlee's and hope to have a family like they have one day. And now I look at the Kellum's and think the same thing, because the Gravlee's legacy of love is so present in their children's families.

I have the privilege and blessing of being close to two of her granddaughters and seeing all the G.G. that she left behind in them. Tyler has G.G.'s personality, Darby her spirit. Darby has her style, Tyler that look G.G. gave when she was content.

They both have her heart.

So we have so much of her and her legacy still here, but who will call Tyler "Tylah?"

May we all live and love a little more like G.G. today.

Weesie.

On May 29th, Louise Saunders became Louise Price.

Because Louise and Bradford are loved by so many people, I never had a chance to do a toast at the rehearsal dinner, so I have decided to write mine here...

I haven't known Louise as long as many people who were in or at her wedding. We met on staff 3 summers ago at Camp Desoto, and have only lived in the same place for 2 summers. But my life- my day to day life- is full of Weesie. As many who know her can tell you, Louise is a woman of tips- she loves to share pieces of wisdom that she has and she loves to hear yours. My days are full of her tips- so when I use Purpose facewash every morning and when I use my MyAgenda all day everyday- with little pieces of truth written on each week- I think of Louise. And when I open my Bible, I usually think of Louise. The thing about a conversation with Louise is that it feels light and fresh and fun and usually full of laughter- sometimes some tears- but many times just smiles. Then later, you'll think back on something she said, and you'll be deeply changed. This is because Louise knows truth and she hides it in her heart. It flows out of her and she loves people so well just by being Weesie. Louise just gets it. I love you Weesie! Here's to Louise and Bradford! Cheers!

As for the Big Day... Louise hates having her picture taken- she just wants to be in that moment without posing, so I didn't take my camera out at all. But here is a description...

It was the sweetest wedding I have ever been to. Ever. It was a perfect wedding at the lake. The groomsmen walked us to the tent because there was a little bit of rain. Louise and Bradford were so intentional about making the weekend not about them, but about the Lord, and as soon as we walked into the tent, I could feel God's presence. It was so reverent and sweet. The music- 2 guitars with a keyboard and singing- and the pitter patter of the rain were perfect. If it was a movie, it would have been exactly that way- rain and all. We walked down to a guitar rendition of Canon in D, and Louise walked down to the girl singing Be Thou My Vision.

It was precious. She was beautiful. I never stopped crying.

Rachel