Of Grace.

Camp Desoto is a part of my very soul. I have huge respect and appreciation for Camp; I have huge respect and appreciation for Phil and Marsha, the directors. They are deeply faithful people, deeply real people, deeply humble people. My first summer on staff, I kind of thought they were crazy people because of what they were asking of us. I thought maybe they had some misconception of me. Like maybe they didn't see my sin or weren't aware of college kids these days- our selfishness, immaturity, laziness, and occasional lack of moral soundness due to newfound freedom (I might just be talking about myself, but perhaps a few of you can relate).

But they weren't crazy, and they didn't have any misconceptions. They were fully aware of every person's inability to do what we were called to do. They lead staff every year in full assurance that the Holy Spirit will be mighty in our weakness, perfect in our imperfection, full in our emptiness. Phil and Marsha expected so much out of me because they saw Jesus in me. And because they saw Jesus in me, I rose to the occasion. This was the epiphany I had after my first summer... I am my best self at Camp because Phil and Marsha see the best in me: Jesus.

Dead to self, alive in Christ.... We've all heard it, they live it. They live it not only as individuals, but also in the way they relate to and lead others.

This past summer, I had another epiphany. My first two years on staff, I was a cabin counselor. It was the most draining thing I've ever done in the best sort of way. Like I said, I thought Phil and Marsha were crazy because of all they asked of us. But one thing about it was easy- I knew always what I was supposed to be doing. My job was to show up. In my cabin, in my activities, I just had to show up physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Showing up meant being fully present and loving well. Showing up, especially when I was void of all energy, could be so difficult that it made me cry, but as long as I was fully showing up so that Christ could love my campers through me, I was doing all I needed to do. The past 2 summers I've had different positions in Camp. These positions have been far busier, but far less draining. This past summer, for example, I assisted the program director. I had a blast doing tons of odd jobs and having the opportunity to make other people's lives easier. I felt like a little fairy who ran around behind the scenes and did what was asked of me and any little extra things I saw a need for.

But in this freedom to serve wherever I was needed, I often felt like I dropped the ball. I had this insecurity that I was disappointing the directors and assistant directors who I respected so much. I longed for the feeling I had as a cabin counselor- totally drained, but totally confident I was doing my job.

For example, I forgot to turn on the strobe light for the Intermediate Lip Sync Extravaganza. The Sunday after I bombed with the strobe light, I brought the wrong roll of butcher paper to the picnic on the play field. I realize this is not a big deal- unlike the strobe light- but it did mean that someone else had to go back and get the right roll. I expressed my frustration to Emily, one of the assistant directors, "I feel like I just keep dropping the ball over and over. I feel like everyone is thinking that when they ask me to do something, they have to follow behind me and pick up the pieces that I forgot or did wrong." "Rachel," Emily responded, "this is a community of grace! Be free of that fear. We live in a community of grace."

This was the moment of epiphany. Camp talks a lot about community. Marsha is great at articulating the community those at Camp are called into each summer. A big part of that community is giving and receiving and living into grace. And that is a huge reason why the fellowship and growth within the Camp community is so wonderful.

This is what too many of our communities are missing. We're far too often not of grace, but of waiting for one another to fail. We are critical and quick to patronize.

I am longing to see Jesus in those around me, to love as Phil and Marsha do. And I am longing to be of grace. I want to see more of my own sin and struggle and the love Jesus rains down on me despite it, so that I will be slower to see the sin and struggle in others' lives, so that I will be slower to frustration, judgement, gossip, whatever the temptation would be if I were not giving grace. I want to love my people where they are. There is so much freedom in being part of a community of people who expect the best from you but are there with open arms when the worst comes out.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound.

Rachel